Laura Jane Grace–APMAs

Laura Jane Grace and her band Against me! preforming after the APMA awards, July 17th 2017

Just watched the APMA awards for the upteenth time and oh my god Laura Jane Grace was amazing.  Such an icon.  She has saved my life on a couple different occasions and watching someone live so outwardly as trans and not give a fuck what people think means a lot to me.  I wish to be half the person that LJ is, and if I ever become even that, it was worth it.

Scheduling with DID/Memory Problems

Scheduling is one of the areas that I really lack ability to do well.  The reason for this is that half an hour after I make an appointment, I often forget about the appointment, only to remember again two days later when the appointment is over, or even worse, during the appointment itself (usually when I’m halfway across town or still in bed).  I’ve found a few methods that have REALLY helped me work things out, especially when stressed and my memory problems and time loss is at its worst:

  1.  The first would be sticky notes.  This was one of the first ways that I learned to do things without a strong memory.  I have sticky notes reminding me where I’m going, what I’m doing, what I need to take with me and when things are due in school, as well as what my work shifts are like and what type of snack or distraction materials I have to take with me to places.
  2. The second method is texting myself.  I have my text message set up so it can text my email (maybe this is a normal function now, I have a flip phone so it was a novel thing when I found it out!) and I can look at my email at the end of the day and see what I need to do or what I’ve scheduled.  I email myself my work schedules, therapy appointment times, reminders of what I need to do or buy, and who I need to contact throughout the day/night.
  3. My journal.  My main protector and I use our journal to communicate with each other, to process emotions and to write down memories.  I destroyed a lot of my childhood journals for reasons relating to not wanting to remember those times and the dysphoria that came with keeping a journal at all (I want to write about that someday!  Leaving this note to remind me!).  Currently keeping a journal is based on wanting to remember what’s happening.  I realized how much I had forgot and how much I can’t access without all those journals and it’s been difficult handling that.
  4. My planners.  I have a monthly planner with a weekly planner and a daily planner.  My main protector usually keeps tabs on these because he’s really good with figuring things out and making them all fit together.  Lately he’s been super depressed though so it’s fallen on me.  Planners, especially during the school semester, are super helpful.

For now that’s about it.  Not sure if there’s more I can say about the whole situation, except that you have to find what works for you and your system.  Sometimes things just don’t work, and sometimes things click and work great.  The one thing I struggle with is updating my planner.  Some weeks it works great and others it really sucks and I get nothing done that’s in it.  Or I don’t update it at all.  Let me know in the comments how you guys work with your system, or your memory loss!  Hope people have a good day 🙂

Relapse (TW for Self-Harm)

I’m currently trying not to self harm.  I relapsed last night for the first time in months, and it was because of the part that’s trying to integrate or merge into me.  He likes hurting my body and I’ve been trying not to self harm on a visible body part for long enough that I was tired of fighting and harmed on a less noticeable body part.  The downside is that I’m going to have to talk to the person I’m dating about it when I see them next.  The good thing, though, is that it has made my impulse control slightly better.  I’m not fantasizing about hurting myself in visible places.  The old urges to harm more are back worse than ever, and I feel sorry that I admitted defeat in this way, but my reasons for not self harming were to try to love myself instead of hurt myself.  This, I think, is loving myself.  Being able to know when I have to hurt myself slightly to protect myself against larger harm later if I didn’t.

Alters merging

Currently dealing with some form of integration or something similar.  Not really sure what it is.  A fragment ended up a part of me (the host, original personality from what I know) about a month ago and it was super disruptive to everything.  I don’t know what to do about the situation, the counselor I’m currently seeing is leaving soon and she didn’t know what to do about it, or what exactly happened either.

 

The issue right now is that an abusive part is trying to do the same thing.  I’m terrified of him.  I don’t know how to handle this or what exactly is going on.  If anyone else has alters and has had issues with them merging or integrating kind of non-consensually (I don’t know how else to describe what’s going on, sorry), please let me know that I’m not alone in this, and what you’ve done to handle it.  My friend reminded me that classes just stopped which means I have a few weeks to deal with this but I don’t want to deal with this.  I’m not ready for it.

coping (or inability)

I can’t cope.  I don’t know why I got this job.  I don’t know why I’m this messed up.  I don’t know why I’m the person I am.